Over a stormy sky

I do not know why I get myself so worked up whenever I quarrel with my family. Long after the snipe and back-talk has passed, the anger and resentment remains for the rest of the evening, simmering, coagulating into a sickening, tarry knot in my heart, draining away whatever sense of serenity I hoped to have from the end of the day. I'd wanted to work on my thesis today, but how could I when I'm in a seething, repressed rage?

The sense of injustice and powerlessness is overwhelming. I get complained at, scolded like a kid, and bullied into submission without the right to defend myself. My wishes, my rights.... all disregarded. Steamrolled over. I do not know what to do. Talking reasonably is useless. My wishes don't count for anything if it goes against their whims. Arguing and shouting back merely evens the score on mutual hurt, but only until they try again next time. Oft I flirt with the thought of what I could do to wake them up and take what I say seriously. I could jump out of the window and my last words to them would be 'Fuck you!'. But I have too much to live for to do that. . Or I could take my stick and wreak massive destruction on the glass dining table.

Idle fantasies, of course. I could never do that. But the thought of snapping and going on a rampage is tempting. In the meanwhile, I seek still a less violent alternative to table smashing that can yet convey the gravity of the situation to them. I thought we'd agreed on a peace treaty when I sat down with dad to have a serious talk on the situation. But apparently mum wasn't clued in on the terms of the ceasefire. I really do think its hopeless and nothing will change until something drastic happens. Not fooling myself anymore that it will get better. I'm just gonna put on an act until I can get out.

At least my plans to move out are seeing the light after 6 years of wishing. Even then, I'm not that naive to think that the distance will be enough. But at least I can distance myself and securely lock the door and gate behind me. At last I will be able to come back to a home where I can let down my guard, and not have to worry about them storming up, kicking the door open where I am, and start to rant and rave at me. It's a race against time to get out before I break down in a violent manner.

That's that. I'm off to try a little meditation before bed. I'm in dire need of inner peace.

posted by Tempest Blue @ 1:43 AM